Looking back

Its been a rough end of 2010 and beginning of 2011. With the death of my cousin Shawna and my grandpa Keith close behind her. I have never dealt well with death. I know we will be able to see them again but I am sad. Its been a hard thing to have 2 deaths so close together. I was lucky enough to go back to Utah for both funerals and I am so glad. My cousin Shawna's funeral was so hard with lots of crying and emptyness. I think it was the fact that she died so young and left a small family behind. At my grandpa's funeral there were tears but a peace that made it so much better. They were both so full of cancer and it was a blessing they could both pass on. I am so truly blessed to have been born into such a great family! I think of the short 31 years that my grandpa was apart of our lives. I am so glad that my grandma was able to find him and have the kind of life she always wanted. I was reading grandpa's life history up until the day before he passed away. He had quite a life full of his own heartaches but he never lost his faith. He prayed harder when he didn't think he was able to go on. After meeting my grandma he said "Looking at the circumstances which led to us meeting it would appear to be the hand of the lord leading our footsteps." I hope I can have the kind of faith he had even in his darkest hours. I am sure going to miss his amazing hugs and his sweet ways. He was truly the best grandpa. He will be deeply missed but I know he is in a better place and I wouldn't want to take him away from that. I read this poem that fits perfect with the way I feel. love you grandpa!

Miss me, but let me go

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free

Miss me a little - but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared
Miss me - but let me go

For this is a journey that we must all take
And each must go alone
It's all a part of the Master's plan
A step on the road to home

When you are lonely, and sick of heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - but let me go

Shawna part 1

This is my cousin and one of my best friends Shawna. We grew up together along with another cousin Audrey. We were all 6 months apart and couldn't be separated. Even after she got married we stayed close. She understood me when others didn't and never gave up on me. After having her first baby she became really sick and they found out she had lupus. This was really hard for her and she tried to stay positive. The doctors told her not to have anymore children but she wouldn't listen. She came from a large family and always wanted lots of kids. She had a girl and things went really well so she thought maybe the doctors were wrong. After her daughter was 2 or 3 they tried again to have another one but with no luck. Her lupus continued to zap all her energy and some days she couldn't make it out of bed. She was in Chicago so I thought it would be nice to go help her. I went for a couple of visits and spent most of my time cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. I know she appreciated it and I felt good that I could help out. About 5 years after her daughter was born a cute little boy arrived for them 2 months early. It nearly killed her and he suffered for a long time in the intensive care. She had to drive 2 hours to go see him each time and it sure took a toll on the family. She wasn't going to let him be alone she had faith he would come home. Finally almost a month and a half later she was able to bring him home. She tried to be the best mom she could always supporting her kids. I arranged for a get together with Audrey and her family and Shawna's family to meet in Nauvoo 3 years ago. We had such a great time camping and visiting the sites of Nauvoo and surrounding areas. Its a memory I will hold close forever. We were able to do a session in the Nauvoo temple and the memories of being there will never be forgotten. About 2 years ago our lives were turned upside down when Shawna became really sick. She went in for testing and they found a mass on one of her lungs. When they studied it closer they found it to be cancer so they decided to take it off. After they did this she had to go through chemo and she became really sick.She had to double her doses because of the weakend state of her body from the lupus. After doing all of this she was still sick and kept telling me how dizzy she was. The doctors told her it was probably a side effect from the chemo that she would have to live with. She didn't want to accept it but kept hoping for a different answer. A couple weeks later her head really started to hurt so she went into the ER and they found a tumor on her brain and 2 in her spine. She decided to go ahead and have the one on the front of her brain removed and it cleared her dizziness right up. The ones on her spine started giving her problems so she decided it was best to get the main one out. It was very painful and risky since any false move and she would be paralyzed.At the same point her throat started to close off so they put a stint in there to hold it open to breathe. It was a success and we were hoping this would start helping her feel better. She did start to feel really good for about a month and then she started to have that same pain in her head again. After going back to the doctor they found she had another tumor that would have to be removed. We were all so crushed about this we knew her body couldn't hold out forever with this kind of treatment. Her wonderful in laws had moved out to Chicago to see if they could help and ended up staying for 2 months.
At the beginning of December she had the surgery and it was a success in fact they were really impressed how well she was doing. She was able to come home 2 days after and sleep in her own bed. On Sunday the 5th I got a phone call telling me Shawna had passed away in the night. Her husband later on told me that she had went to bed fine and in the night started coughing up blood. He called 911 but before they could get there she layed back down on the pillow told him she loved him and died. They think the stint in her throat became dislodged and cut off her breathing. I will finish the rest on the next post.

Shawna part 2

I have had a really hard time dealing with her death. Its hard to imagine she is gone and I cant talk to her anymore. No more advice or crying or laughing or vacations with her. That's a hard thing to swallow but I am so grateful for the gospel in my life that makes it easier to move on. I didn't think I would be able to go to the funeral and that really made me sad. A day after I found out the news my roommate told me she was going to buy me a ticket to go. I couldn't believe she would do such a nice thing. It was so sweet of her and I knew she didn't have the money to do it. My cousin Audrey also called me and asked if I was going to go. I wasn't really sure but she said I think its important that we both go so if you need any help please let me help you. I was so overwhelmed by the love shown toward me. I flew out and was able to be there for the viewing that night. It was really nice and one of her brother's had put together a slide show that had so many pictures of us together. It was hard to see how much her siblings were hurting. When I got up to her parents they just cried and cried and my heart broke for them. I hugged her husband and he held it together so well. He was comforting me more then I was him and I thought how sweet and typical that he would do that. My heart broke the most for her kids. The oldest who is 13 now didn't cry at all the 10 year old was really upset and the 5 year old didn't really grasp the idea. I know its going to be a long road for them. The funeral was really beautiful and I was so glad to have my cousin Audrey to sit next to me the whole time. Her sister Emily shared a list of 101 things I know that Shawna had written. I am going to make it my goal this year to come up with my own list. Hers was so beautifully written and I know that she was prepared to die. Its not going to be very easy to have her gone but I know she is at peace and waiting for us.